henrietta…

have you ever handled a severed head????????

so the day had arrived…
it was time to design the EPIDEMIC album cover….

we came up with the name about 6 months ago, and now with the swine flu scare we decided we would go with a pig theme…

so i went to the smelly market and checked out the various butcher’s stores… groce.

i spotted many pig heads, most with the eyes closed…
then at one store there was one face down in the fridge… so i asked if i could see it’s face…
the chubby red faced butcher laughed..
i explained that the pig was going to be a model for a photoshoot for my band and he span the pig head throught the air and presented it’s face to me. it smiled. and had it’s eyes wide open.

i said, thats the one and aked how much. a measly £3. bargain. i aked him to triple bag it as i was genuinely scared by the thing. and found myslef shaking at the prospect of handling it. he launched it into a large see through bag, as it bounced off his slaughtering table, then slotted it into two carrier bags, and presented me with the handles. i handed over the £3 and gripping the handles of the carrier bag made my way across town…

i tried to ignore the fact i was carrying a pig’s head and thought about nice things until i finally arrived at our designer’s house where doghouse also awaited.

Paul managed to get some surgical gloves and doghouse snapped them on and starrted to unpack the thing.
it rolled and squidged and finally it was out.. we screamed, and wheazed and ran from it and all of us looked a little faint.

We decided to name the pig Henrietta…
doghouse winced as he tried to pick her up and his fingers sunk into her squidgy face… the pig looked at us disapprovingly as we finally managed to place her on a deck chair… Paul snapping away various angles but the setting wasnt right.. a fly landed in the nostril and laid a few eggs and i was feeling faint….i said we should throw it in the gutter, so its out of context and on a more contrasting background.

doghouse ran through the house holding Henrietta by the ears and lobber her in the gutter…..
Paul lent into the curb and began snapping, Paul’s oap neighour appeared at her front door and looked upon the scene and exclaimed ‘What on Earht are you doing!!?!?!?!?”

she squawked and dissed us and told paul he was the worst neighbour in the world and screamed to her husband that we had a severed pigs head on her doorstep…i asked her if she would like to lay in shot, and she screwed her face up before slamming the front door…. we clicked away got a few different snaps including some of doghouse holding Henrieeta in his face and also a rather distubing one of him dribbling next to her.

We wrapped up the photoshoot and doghouse bagged up the now extra sqelchy fly-egg ridden Henrietta.

Paul said you must dispose of her.. i dont want her here.

We hopped in a taxi and paid Johnny No-Cash a visit. I had to pick up some CDs so that was the perfect excuse.
Shortly after we arrived there was a knock on the door and an Iceland delivery driver began to bring in Johnny’s monthly shopping order. Johnny helped him drop several carrier bags of groceries in the kitchen and we smuggled our carrier bag amongst the goods.
“See you later mate” we said as we shuffled off down the street.

One hour later Johnny phoned, calling me a cunt. “what the fuck am i sposed to do with that”
“Henrietta is her name. have fun!” i burped as i hung up on him, LMFAO.

Later that evening,
Johnny’s misses, Emma Royd, was away for the evening, and he had some friends over after Netty’s shop.
Emma had decided to come home early for some reason that evening. As she slotted her key in the front door and pushed it open she was greeted with a sight for sore eyes.
Lionel was covered in his own piss on the sofa, Johnny cuddled up with 2 dodgy birds on the other sofa, all of Emma’s wine open and finished, mess everywhere… and yes, you guessed it, Henrietta on the kitchen table looking almost as pale as Johnny.

Emma flipped out, dumped Johnny on the spot and threw all the casualities out of her house, squawking “And take your fucking pig’s head with you!”

Johnny is now homeless…

see the artwork / order the album here.

Super furry animals and shit

So we managed to score the Super Furry Animals gig for Sub29 which has now turned into 3 gigs! 2 of which have sold out already and 1 goes on sale today.

Bank holiday weekend we got Sub29 up for grabs,,, ive pulled together VESTIVAL for the sunday, with the help of of a few mates, and not too sure what to do on the fri/sat asit is available and we may as well use it, but cant find anyone who would have the bollocks to throw a party in a 700 capacity venue with 1 weeks notice.

Sicknotes live album has taken a lot longer than we had hoped, still not quite right with the mastering, and the art work we are doing today , which involves me going to the market in a minute to buy a pigs head, and carrying it across town to Paul Peachs place for us to photograph. The inside cover will have the photos of all the fans that sent in their pictures. In the booklet we are using medical illustrations dotted between write ups of the gigs.

Feeling knackered, but got to sort the pig head out now.and then off to Newport to jam with our new drummer, or stand in drummer, as Filth cant make the glasto gig on the 22nd. Maybe back to Rev Phil Dreads and Flakeys then as they having a gathering… but not sure about that yet!

Laters…

How To Pull a Fat Bloke with a Colostomy Bag

managed to get my train fare refunded from Manchester which meant i had some quids to get messy for the bank holiday weekend….

Dived in the van, with Epidemic blaring we headed for BARNBOPPERS in Clun…

Upon arrival we were greated by the best host we have had in 4 years of sickness, he offered us an aperitif to get us in the mood, handed us a crate of stella and some meal tickets and the fun begun…

Lionel Rich Tea was with us, and was sporting the biggest pair of flares i have ever seen in my life and P&O was with new teeth, after losing the his old ones by accidentally glueing them to his cat’s arse well over a year ago.

after watching a piece of toast sing some cover versions, and a few Lionel hair cuts later, we got on stage….
I dont think i realised how battered i was until this point…

As soon as the beat kicked in on Ectplasmic, the Dr came flying out from stage left, tripped over the laptop lead and fell onto the crowd barrier (a upturned pallete), squashing Dickie Balboa and the front row of the crowd and ending up on his arse…
The sound was all over the place, and Doghouse fell over next… Filthy was sporting his ‘Pork Me’ swine flu dust mask, and me my ‘Sow’ one… we played the longest gig of our career which seemed to fly past in an instant… all the songs sounding 3 times their usual speed… what was my head doing… people seemed to be dancing… was i actually there? seemed like a dream…

We finished the gig with a disastrous rendition of ‘Shakin’ and headed for the DJ room… i was off me tits by this point and found myself dancing like a fuckign fruit cake and bellowing at the DJ to turn it up. It got quieter and quieter then got turned off… don’t remember much from here on in… except swilling and snorting and boshing and stuff….

Next thing i know it’s light and i’m walking through the car park holding one end of the hog roast, Doghouse carrying the other… we opened our van door to discover Lionel sleeping and put the half-eaten hog into bed with him.. at this moment i collapsed into the bigget laughing fit of my life, as Doghouse shut the door, and left them to it.

A fat man asked me if he could join the band. Doghouse said bring your oboe on Monday and we’ll make a start. The fat bloke then told me he liked me. I was about to leg it, when he grabbed my head with both hands.. i watched as his poked out a lumpy yellow toungue, he poked it into my mouth… which i i had shut as tight as i could.. then licked it up my face….
I managed to get out of his headlock and LEGGED it…
looking back at my rapist, he stood there and lifted his t-shirt up, exposing a massive bloated scabby belly with a FUCKING COLOSTOMY BAG attached to it….he wobbled his belly about while flicking his toungue and eyelids at me, everyone was laughing except me….. i made sure there was at least 10 metres between me and this fucker for the rest of the night!!!!!!! OH the joys of being single! X

Next i was waking up curled up in the sickmobile.. Filth was snoring next to me, and Dr Conker in the front…
i woke up laughing, still with the image of Lionel and the Pig asleep together…
Filth called him coco pop head and that was it… i didnt stop laughing for a about an hour or more…

Shortly after, we hugged our new friends, lobbed a very nasty, bitter, fucked up, evil Doghouse into the van and fucked off to Bristol…

On the way doghouse was abusing us and slapping us, so i decked him and poured his bottle of wine over his head to shut the fucker up, he soon fell asleep…

BRISTOL!!!!! What a fucking set up… Carny Ville!!! amazing shit….

We settled into the dressing room and cracked open a crate… The Sicknote Collective turned up and we tried to piece it all together…
Most of the band had a bit of a kip including Balboa:

Came to gig time.. and i felt fucking ROUGH…. we all looked sketchy as fuck… Doghouse still evil.
We got on stage, and Doghouse croaked at the lovely crowd:
“Suck my Pointless Fucking Chode you Cunts!”
followed by… “What the fuck you doing out on a Sunday, haven’t you got School tomorrow!?”
obviously oblivious to the fact it was a bank holiday…

i could see some people shouting abuse back and some walking out!.. but the majority laughing…

Doghouse was then sick immediately after finishing an appalling version of ‘Phone in Sick’… three times in succession, all onto the floor from where he sang.. causing the front few rows of the crowd to wince and heave….

The gig got better and better… and as we dropped Pikey Dnb and Headshot for the encore we had an actual Mosh-pit!
Think the last time we managed that was in Totaal Festival in Holland….

BUZZZZZZZZZZZZING!!!!!!!!!!!

we collected the pay and headed back…
i was hanging out of the window all the way home, ready to spu, but managed to refrain…
5am i climbed into bed…
WIRED!

what a fucking weekend!
x

thanks to Rev Phil Dread for photos…