she held my hand. we were stood in the woods. there was no one around. we were 10 years old. She had bleach blonde hair and big blue eyes. like a tiny angel. She was waiting for me to kiss her.
I couldn’t. She was beautiful. I was in love with her. I was shit scared. I couldn’t do it. Was i being tricked? I said i was worried my mam would find out. We went back to her friends up by the leisure centre. They all shouted at me. I was shaking. Her name was Ceri. I had fancied her since i arrived in this school a year ago. And she wanted to kiss me now and i was too much of a pussy.
I felt undeserving. I stopped myself from having it, even though she was there in front of me asking me to take her. Or was it that i thought i was maybe being tricked. That they all might start laughing at me. Which of course they now did.
This pattern seems to have repeated throughout my life. I always seem to give up right at the point success is offered to me. Right after all the hard work. All the pining. All the intense desire. The time has come. The dream is manifest. Here it is.
“No Thanks.” Runaway! Hide!
Is this a lack of self worth?
Why do i feel undeserving. Do i need to get hypnotised or psycho-analysed to travel back to when i was a fat weird baby. And see what events led to this pattern? I’m trying now, hang on…
My memory is shit. However, one event springs to mind. A distant memory when i was younger than 5. I was allowed out with my big brother and all his mates. All i ever wanted! I was cool at last. Part of the gang. We all head out into the Welsh summer. I felt amazing. Then he slams the gate on me, and he says “Fuck off, Nip”. They all strut up the street with their curly perms and skateboards. All looking back and laughing at me locked in the garden alone. I was tricked. Done.
The fear of being tricked has taken a grip on my life ever since. The fear of people laughing at me. And me not being part of it all. Me being the joke.
| forgive my brother, of course. I don’t even know if it really happened. Or if i made it up. And anyway, he was a cool kid. He didn’t want his odd little brother following him around while he was trying to snog girls and smoke crack.
But the pattern repeats and repeats. Right through my life. Right up until now. Same thing over and again in slightly different scenarios. Can it really stem from this little event? Or does it go back further? Is it from a past life! I just want it to stop! But HOW!!!!???? It goes like this, first the feeling of being tricked, and then this leading to me walking away from the very thing i desired. The thing i thought i had just achieved. And then i hide. Alone. Bye.
Lots of little things happen when we are tiny sensitive creatures that can fuck us up for decades to come. Maybe the same situation keeps arising until we have learnt how to deal with it. Until we have learned the lessons.
So. What might the lessons be?
- don’t run away and hide.
- fight through the fear.
- stop thinking everyone is against you.
- tell people what you think.
- feel worthy.
- take what’s yours.
- TAKE IT.
- move the fuck on.