Friday was boiling in Cardiff – the continuing Indian summer was boiling up and up and we all felt great. 8 hours in the sickbus with Stevie G at the controls with his new chauffeurs hat on, and we were in Glasgow – pissing it down. Absolutely pissing it! Yet another Sicknote holiday in the rain while everyone back home enjoys a fuckin heatwave! Lucky Baaaastards!
The nice folk at Pivo Pivo sorted us a few pizzas and a few grolsch.. and the venue filled up nicely. some nice bands played including The Sneaky Russians, Pablo Eskimo and the Girobabies all of which done the business. wicked stuff.
We were introduced on stage by a true Scotsman, in a black kilt and a huge earring which had his earlobe dangling somewhere near his arse…. his name: Haggis…….He introduced us by busting a one man symphony on his bagpipe…
then, WOMP the bassline from ‘Ectoplasmic’ induced a warm spunky woop from the guts of the crowd… Then BAM the beat kicks in.
Then cue The Filth, BANG. The place went insane as Doghouse screamed the immortal freaky line “IS THERE ANYBODY THERE?” with bloodcurdling screams of “YES!!” belted back at him.
Rave Heart, a nutter and mega-fan with his own nickname tattooed on his face, well he pounced on to stage sporting a new head, I can only compare him to a tattooed biblical mad man. like Moses on crack, he was going nuts on stage half undressed, and everyone was shouting their disapproval at him as he grabbed Doghouse and chucked beer everywhere.
Then some skinny bird got up and started mopping Doghouses brow with her sleeve. As we built the tension with harder, nastier but still somehow euphoric tunes the crowd began to erupt…. Haggis fell over onto stage with his bagpipe in his mouth and balls in the air…. then two women were stripping centre stage, then they were kissing each others face off, pouring beer over each other’s heads half naked. and then they fell over on stage almost cracking their heads open on my monitor speaker. the bouncer then joined in on stage and tried to calm it all down – only making matters worse as Rave Heart teased him, then the bar girl joined in, then fucknose who… then i managed to WHACK my head on a wall and was squeeling in pain…. it felt like i was in Hell, and Hell was fuckin good. Rave Heart then decided to punch some random people……. Wtf!!! beards, baps and black-eyes everywhere my head spun as the crowd from front to back were bouncing, stood on tables and wooping……..What an almighty mess.
We were invited to about 43 different after parties. There were randoms hanging off us, kissing us and dragging us in all directions… Rave Heart kissed me on the face and whispered in my ear that he was getting a tattoo of my head on his left tit next week… WTF!!! We got in the van with about 16 random people trying to get in with us, Filth slammed the door in a rage nearly taking Sunday’s gig promoter, Bri’s fingers clean off. As we pulled off Rave Heart was in the middle of the road trying to stop us but Stevie G swerved him and we made our escape.
We headed back to promoter Mark’s and got wrecked up in his flat. He looked after us well with beers and goodies fairplay to him, a great welcome and a great host. His misses and him spoke so fucking much tho….. Like no breather. Just RABBLING on in Scottish – my head was fuckin killing. all the travel, madness, beer, and volme at the gig was taking it’s toll………Ouch SHHHH shut the fuck up! Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. just kept ranting on……must be speed, gotta be. “Hemina Shema EEma moo gaa Meheh me megh unm adjajall”
I boshed half a pill to try to escape the Scottish babbling and huge headache that was beginning to take a grip. Half hour later we were in a warehouse. Loads of people and a fat soundsystem ….wicked vibe. I love the vibe in Glasgow. The people just seem bang up for it even if I cant understand a word they’re saying…
Stevie G kept gripping my coat and begging “Don’t leave me” – dunno what the fuck was wrong with him so after a while me, him and Johnny walked back to the pad and crashed out for an while…. leaving Lionel to look after Doghouse who was outside hugging a billboard…. which he believed was his misses, talking to her in depth and gently fondling her.Lost it! The alcohol, sleep deprivation and missing the love of his life had spawned a psychosis which helped along with 5 years fronting Sicknote was fingering his brain……. they all came back woke us up and off with the Scottish ranting again but this time there were loads of them….. I cannae understand a fuckin word! They were all half naked and dancing to shit music so I took a stroll into town for some food with the rest of the crew…. Then off we fucked to Kaleidoscope Festival in Fife.
|image by Norris Nuvo
We arrived at a really pleasant festival full of posh hippies in tweed n shit. Very tame and nice almost the complete opposite to last night. This gig had been cancelled last week due to shit ticket sales. As we did not have a contract or fuck all we were cancelled and there was nowt we could do. We then managed to get the gig back on by agreeing to waive our 600 quid fee and play for just petrol – fuckin useless.
We got some food and beer and took in the festival, it was pissing down constantly. The main stage was in a huge barn with a fat soundsystem, it was really well put together and a great set up. i relaxed knowing that we had a good show ahead of us…..
I bolted some mud n cider and we hit the stage at 2am, suddenly realising i was completely smashed. We got the place bouncing even though I made loads of mistakes and Johnny’s lead he lent me kept cutting out, but the 500 or so happy punters bounced, there was a great vibe in the barn…..Doghouse and Filth were bang on form, Conker and Lionel had loads of space to do their freaky dancing, the visuals looked amazing on a huge screen behind us, and Stevie G was even dressed up and half on stage…….. I was the weakest link, goodbye. After they prematurely announced it was to be our last tune i upped the pace by dropping RIGHTEOUS to which the place went nuts to 🙂 twas a great gig.
Afterwards we hit a guy called Maf’s bus, a freaky festival head with a safe as fuck vibe, and necked more mud and brandy till they were completely fed up of us and kicked us out in the rain…. It was 5am, we had nowhere to go, nowhere to sleep. Me, Doghouse and Johnny found a fire and stood around while getting soaked by the relentless rain. Just before daybreak we discovered a fat Yurt a with a woodburner and cuddled up in there for some kip and almost dried off…
We headed off to Edinburgh in the soggy afternoon and Filth was on one….. Laughing his tits off and ripping the piss out of everything…… Licking my soiled pants out of my bag, calling Doghouse Grandma has he snoozed in the back, and abusing people out of the window… fucknose what he was on!In Edinburgh we left Doghouse and Lionel asleep in the van and went off and found a pub and had a haggis and a Guinness to try and restore some energy into our saggy spirits….
At the venue, ‘The Store‘, a small posse of nutters turned up. There were more people backstage drinking our fucking rider than were out front in the venue…
We necked a load of Stella got on the tiny stage, slammed into a banging set and the 30 people went wild!!! some geezer by the name of Sean O’Hara kept screaming out ‘E in my A Hole’….. i dug it out and as i dropped it Filth came out from behind his kit, shook up a Stella and opened it in Sean’s face and squeezed the entire can into his eyes : he fucking loved it!
The bouncer, a big polish meat ball, kept trying to cut us off early, we played till he looked like he was gunna implode.. then backstage he was trying to drag us out before we even packed up. “5 minutes 5 minutes!!” he kept shouting at us, while standing in the doorway i said “well leave us alone for 5 minutes then you bellend.”
We signed a load of merchandise vinyl flyers everything. then on the way out.. the bouncer gripped me and said “why you call me bellend” and looked like he was going to plant me. i shat it. i said “sorry mate” and luckily he let me go. phew.
We asked for some money and Bri told us there was fuck all money.
We got in the van I said there was no fuckin cash. Then I tried collecting the merch money from Filth and Lionel. I got a tenner. when we just signed about fucknose how many fucking vinyls. so where the fuck did the money go? Or did everyone just help themselves to the merch?
|illustration by sam watterson
This is when Filth LOST it.
“Ive been telling you for fucking years to join the fucking PRS you cunts!!!”
“You need to sort your shit out you cunts!!!”
“I got a fuckin family to fuckin feed”
“You’re fuckin useless the lot of you”
Screaming and clenching – looking like a strained purple adolescent bollock – he suddenly spat on Doghouse head…. wtf! Doghouse lost it back at him and the whole van descended into a shouting and balling fucking disastrous end to a blinding weekend.
We shared out the pennies.
Basically 300 from Pivo, 350 from Kaleidoscope and fuck all from Edinburgh….
normally we get 600-1k a gig plus travel.
so when you weigh up all the effort put in, 340 quids worth of petrol, then smokes, food, drink and shit….. we ended up with fuck all each. So understandable why the boys were fucked off. Ah well, lessons learned.
1. USE A FUCKING CONTRACT
2. GET A DEPOSIT
3. SORT FUCKING ACCOMMODATION BEFORE HAND
I curled up in a ball with all the equipment in the boot of the new sickbus……. Woke up and i was in Cardiff . bonus. Stevie G done the entire journey and another 2 hours back to his pad in one night. What a fucking legend.
I got off at Johnnys as I fancied an early morning walk into town to get some fresh air, the sun was just squeezing a warm orange tickle onto my face as it began to rise above our homes. I popped into Johnny and Ady’s.. and get offered a cuppa for a change, got to be the first time ever!!!! I swig it down as I was thirsty, and was greeted with some fat lumps of gone off milk. They slipped down my neck like the spunk of a mammoth, i gulped in disgust….
I felt ill after a heavy weekend, the last thing i wanted to eat was gone off lumps of cow puss this morning……… I left, spued on the pavement outside and fucked off home to bed.
Another weekend of sickness has taken it’s toll on my rotund, quivering, pimply fucked-up body. My mind is cracked and lost and sensitive…. Why do we do this to ourselves?
cue 3 days of sleep.